If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
