Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
