im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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