how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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