I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
pop tarts are not kleenex
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
