I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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