I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
