every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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