Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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