i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
