me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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