I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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