i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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