My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
