she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
