Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
