2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
