Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
