While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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