Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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