I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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