Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
