Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
