I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
