He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
