Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
