I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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