Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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