The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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