I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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