Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
