Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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