i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
