awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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