I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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