So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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