I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
