Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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