good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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