Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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