my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
