I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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