Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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