I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We left the knife in your bed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
