I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
