Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
