i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
