my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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