Yo dont text me then not text me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
