I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
